Guilt

Guilt. I feel it. When I first had Ian, I couldn't imagine going back to work. Just the thought brought me to tears (although damn, I was hormonal for a while!). And for roughly the first 2 months, I was extraordinarily happy staying home, feeding the baby, napping when he napped, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. I took great pleasure in the simplest of tasks (which is not a new thing for me). And I was extremely thankful to have a long break from a demanding job. But then boredom started creeping in. HGTV was no longer that interesting. I was starting to see repeats of the medical shows on the Discovery channel. I finished reading books about early child development and infant sleep habits. The novelty of taking an infant to the grocery store was wearing off. It's hard to schlep bags full of milk and cat litter and a baby in a car seat up the stairs!

And now I actively want to go back to work and feel guilty about it. From a financial standpoint, I knew that I would always go back to work. I make more money than my husband and we have to pay our mortgage and buy lots of diapers! But I guess I thought I would be really torn up about the decision to go back to work. I am crossing my fingers that Ian thrives in day care (and of course I feel guilty that we're putting him in day care and not getting a nanny and I'll feel even *more* guilty the first time he catches some awful virus in day care). It doesn't help at all that my mom stayed at home with us and my sister and sister-in-law are currently stay-at-home moms. My parents have also stated at least a few times that they think at least one parent should be home with a child. But I have to live my own life in the way that works best for me and my family.

I'm all alone with the baby this weekend. My husband is biking from Quincy, MA to Provincetown, MA (150 miles!) to help raise money for MS. I knew this weekend was coming and even gave my husband the go ahead to sign up for the ride when I was pregnant. But now it's here and I'm bored and lonely. And I had to do the 5 am feed, which is usually my husband's job. It's really not *that* bad. I'm lucky that Ian is such a GREAT baby. We took a 90 minute nap this morning and then took a long run/walk in the jogging stroller. And finally, we went grocery shopping. But I've been watching the minutes tick by. I look forward to seeing my husband again tomorrow night!